I met the friendliest cop last night
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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