hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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