shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
