You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
