ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
