just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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