Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
