i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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