We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
