I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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