NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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