I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
