hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
