Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize