New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
