dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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