His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
