Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
