Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
