Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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