I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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