Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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