we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
