Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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