Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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