Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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