fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she pinky promised me she was 18
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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