I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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