I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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