The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize