Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
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