I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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