im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
