I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
