Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
sex in a hospital.. check
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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