I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
