im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
