Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
