theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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