Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
