New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
