well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We need a shit load of segways right now
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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