My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
