Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
