I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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