i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
love makes seman taste better
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
