I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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