Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
