phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
