My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
