the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
