I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yo dont text me then not text me
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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