my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
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