I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
where am i from again
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Every concussion has its silver lining
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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