I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I fill condoms, not promises.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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