I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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