1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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