life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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