Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
