Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize