Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
