a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
